The Tightrope of Choice
“For am I now trying to persuade people, or God? Or am I striving to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
Galatians 1:10 (CSB)
I was conversing with Mairy, my wife, this morning on how often times our brain can be just a beautiful yet very evil companion. It is the very brain that allows us to store memories and generate thoughts and analyze things that also can take us to over-analyzing and overthinking and overcomplicating things. And of course, to all these thoughts we have so much emotion tied to them—whether it be about relationships or the past or the future. We find so much of these thoughts generate and are tied to emotions.
And on top of all of that, we face as well the challenge that we want to be good stewards of our time, good stewards of these relationships, and good stewards of our thoughts. After all, we don't want to become a victim of thoughts and start overthinking and over-analyzing to the degree that we overlook the beauty of life and the beauty of the things that God has entrusted us with.
We don't want to take today's energy to think about problems that may or may not take place in the future. After all, in doing so we may fall into anxiety or, worse, depression. And so there's a battle, a constant battle that takes place: from analyzing to not over-analyzing; from considering and thinking and being strategic, being honest, being transparent, and all the while trying to preserve any integrity a relationship might have.
Walking the Tightrope
"But let your 'yes' mean 'yes,' and your 'no' mean 'no.' Anything more than this is from the evil one."
Matthew 5:37 (CSB)
It's tough, especially when you're dealing with multiple egos, multiple agendas. Now people might say I don't have an ego, but the reality is we all have an ego. For some of us, it takes the wheel and drives. For others, it is silent. But the reality is that we all, to one degree or another, have to battle with our ego and pride.
And so we walk the tightrope. The tightrope of being prudent, the tightrope of being humble but being firm, being flexible but being firm. Even in the scripture, we are called to be both like a serpent and a dove. And this is a very challenging thing to do. This is the tightrope we dance. This is the tightrope we walk.
And sometimes the walk is easy, and other times the walk is hard. Sometimes we can do it almost with our eyes closed—walk this walk on this tightrope. But then when there are situations at hand, it can make it complicated. Situations that involve people that we love, people that we respect and admire, and relationships that we want to preserve. We can find ourselves in a battle where we do want to preserve them and our relationship, but then we must decide: do we want to do it at the cost of our own growth?
"Look, I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as serpents and as innocent as doves."
Matthew 10:16 (CSB)
And one could say, "Well, that's your pride speaking, that's your ego, because you're putting yourself ahead of everyone else." But the reality is that sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of everyone else. At some point, you'll have to, because otherwise, you'll continue to sacrifice of yourself. Meanwhile, there are many takers. And some people have gotten so comfortable with your ability to give that they've gotten so comfortable with their ability to take that even when you put up one boundary, one wall, one limit, they act as though you have built the Great Wall of China and you are attempting to kick them out of your life. Or at least that's how we interpret it.
So rather that be their interpretation or the way you think they may, we find ourselves in a predicament. Shall we invest mental energy in these things, allowing our mind to quite frankly play tricks on us? Or do we trust that the people that surround us and that say they love us genuinely do and will respect our decisions, even if they don't necessarily agree with it or even understand it?
A Lesson on Boundaries
“If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone." Romans 12:18 (CSB)
Recently, my daughter was invited by some friends to sing at an event. And she was nervous because she wanted to be with her friends, but she didn't want to sing at the event. Initially, she tried to say no, but they insisted, so she said yes. She then felt really bad because, well, she just didn't want to do it.
And I encouraged her: You must speak up. This is a good moment for you to actually determine what kind of friends you have. If they are good friends, even if they don't necessarily agree though or understand, they'll at least appreciate your honesty and appreciate the friendship enough to take your answer as a final decision of yours.
She was nervous. She was overthinking. But she did it. She went to them and told them that while she appreciated them and the invitation, she did not want to sing at this particular moment at this particular event. And they, in turn, embraced her and said, "No problem. If you don't want to do it, we understand." And that was the end of that.
Making the Choice
"The one who walks with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm."
Proverbs 13:20 (CSB)
You know, sometimes, for as bad as people say middle school and high school was, sometimes middle schoolers, high schoolers, they deal better with these situations than us as adults do. It seems that even in our own adult life we still struggle with the perceptions of others and how they will perceive us and think of us. Especially when we have built a life that involves them.
And I suppose there lies the challenge, yes? A life that we have built that involves them. But it is just that: a life that we have built that involves them. They are not the main character, neither are they the antagonist. Instead, in this story, you are the main character. And so you must make decisions that oftentimes feel uncomfortable, feel nerve-wracking—but you know that.
So how do we do it? How do we make decisions that honor God, that allow us to continue to grow, be good stewards of time, attention, and resources, and all the while maintain these relationships? It would be lovely to be able to provide you a top 10 list or five steps on how to do it, but the reality is that sometimes saying no sucks. The reality is that setting up boundaries doesn't always feel comfortable.
So now you have to make a choice: The uncomfortability of setting a boundary, or the uncomfortability of once again sacrificing your growth, your happiness, your potential for the comfortability of others. Because while we all have an ego, and you might want to keep yours in check, there are others in denial who are oh so quickly to egotistically ask you to sacrifice everything, all the while asking you, "How dare you not?" when they ask of you.